I decided early on in my journey with cancer that what will be my guide is suffering, the goal being to eliminate as much as I can at every turn. Some is unavoidable, such as the pain and grieving for things lost, but a lot is avoidable.
In my experience as a physician I have been a part of many people's journey with advanced and terminal illness. A large percentage decide that they want to live at all cost and are willing to endure whatever is necessary, whether it's to be with family, finish projects, fear of death, or a guilt associated with the thought of "giving up." There is another group that don't understand that they have options and will do whatever the doctors or strong-willed family members think is best, leaving it in someone else's hands.
My cancer is not curable. I don't believe I'll be that one in a trillion where for some reason (and I'm not going to use the word miraculous) the cancer goes away and I am allowed to die from some other cause.
I certainly could add the options of radiation and chemotherapy treatments, but these will require taking on suffering. The increased time spent on doctor's visits, receiving treatments, and the side effects and incapacitation associated with them are not part of my journey.
I look at it this way: there will be no avoiding suffering as the end draws closer, so why would I want to prolong that period of time? I'd much rather take the time and energy I have to live the remaining days of this incarnation in contentment and peace. I'd rather be at home with my husband rather then in waiting and treatment rooms, visiting with friends and family, walking the dogs, painting pictures, and hanging out with the children.
I worried initially that when the time came I'd not be quite so brave and cave in, but as time has gone on my resolve has deepened ... as has my acceptance.
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