11.11.15 Naps

I've come to finding time to nap. First of all it's because I get really tired by mid-day even though I haven't done anything physical and second because it helps fill my day. I'm tired because of all the emotional burdens - worry about what will happen to Joseph and the children, boredom on days of overcast skies and cold temperatures, motivation, purpose, discouraging societal events and trends.The best nap is when I'm covered with a blanket and am toasty warm and the house is completely silent. The dogs - the only time they are allowed on the bed - are curled up next to me. Joseph usually lies down with me to cuddle and envelop me with his love and then lets me go.

I get to go to lovely places in that space thats just on the verge of a deep sleep. They aren't geological spaces but spaces that are occupied by big objects that are smooth, neutral in color, and very light. On occasion there is an incident on the periphery - a human figure or an event that I don't recognize - and then it's gone because I so much want to be back to the shapes. In that space of neutrality I find a great amount of contentment and peace. There is no story. There is no angst. There is no striving. No judgement.

Typically I wake from the nap because I have to shift position to avoid one kind of pain or another. That requires big movement of the dogs and blankets and time for the dogs to resettle. As desperately as I try to get back I can't and I know nap time is over. Other times I startle to a noise and then I'm up.

I'm sure where I go in my naps will become my jumping off point as I leave this physical incarnation. It is so peaceful and without fear or distress of any kind.

I understand now how important it is for there to be such a space when someone dies. Not a place of pushing, pulling, turning, poking, prodding - vital signs, blood work, pain scales. Not a place where there is emotional and physical distress - loud voices, crying, story telling, bickering. A place of quiet and peaceful energy - unconditional love - compassion. When I leave I hope for silence, warmth, cuddling with Joseph, and no pain either physical or emotional.

I love my naps.